Happy April Fool’s

Funny Slow Boy sent this to his team today. It didn’t last long, and they thought we were the dupes for believing and forwarding it on. But the sad thing is that even though everyone caught on pretty quick, many admitted it wouldn’t be unheard of. Sigh.

As you are aware, Intel is currently experiencing significantly reduced revenue due to lower PC demand influenced by the global economic downturn. To remain profitable through these difficult times, it is essential that we find new and creative ways to reduce Intel’s operating costs. The Jones Farm Spending Limits Internal Management committee (JF-SLIM) has been working over recent months to develop and ratify several new cost-saving measures which will be deployed over the coming weeks. While we recognize that some of these measures will cause inconvenience to employees, we ask for your support in these critical efforts to maintain Intel’s profitability, and do so at current headcount levels. A summary of the coming changes follows:

  • Free fruit and beverage program: The policy of one piece of fruit per person per day will be enforced; employees taking a piece of fruit will be required to go through the checkout line and scan their badges. The free beverage service will end at 3pm, and the cafes will close at that time. In addition, paper drink cups will no longer be supplied in the cafeterias outside lunch hours (11:30-1:00). Employees are encouraged to use their Intel-provided reusable cups.
  • Janitorial services: Garbage collection from individual cubes will be discontinued. Large trash and recycling bins will be supplied on each floor, and employees are requested to empty their own trash bins on a regular basis. Similar to the automatic paper towel dispensers already in place, automated toilet paper dispensers will be installed in bathroom stalls. These dispensers are more hygienic and have been shown to reduce paper consumption by up to 40%.
  • Telephones: Building on the recent move to Exchange*-based voice messaging, IT will fully deploy Exchange Unified Communicator* to all laptop and desktop users, and desk telephones will be removed. Speaker phones will remain in the larger conference rooms.
  • Laptop upgrades: All further laptop upgrades will be suspended, and users who were upgraded in Q4 or Q1 will be migrated back to their previous machines so that the newer models can be returned to the manufacturer for a refund.
  • Printing: The current per-floor printers will be removed and consolidated into a single high-speed printer located in the JF3 cafeteria. FLM approval will be required on all documents over 100 pages. To discourage unnecessary printing, abandoned printouts will result in a charge back to your department. Employees are encouraged to report violations to their manager or admin.
  • Lighting: Every other ceiling light fixture will be turned off to reduce energy costs. Employees may use their own energy-efficient desk lights if they wish. The campus safety committee will publish a list of approved personal lighting devices.
  • Temperature: Instead of the current constant temperature of 75 degrees, thermostats will be set to 65 degrees during winter and 85 degrees during summer. Labs with sensitive equipment may apply for a waiver. Employees are encouraged to dress appropriately.
  • Building closures: To save on janitorial, maintenance, and energy costs, each JF building will be closed one day a week: JF1 on Monday, JF2 on Tuesday, etc. Employees with desks in the closed building are encouraged to work from home or use visitor cubes, and to schedule meetings in conference rooms in the open buildings.

Again, we realize that these measures may cause some inconvenience. We appreciate your patience and support in helping Intel remain profitable. Remember, in the end it is not the environment but the people that make Intel a Great Place to Work.

Thank you,

The Jones Farm SLIM committee

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One comment

  1. that is the nerdiest april fool’s joke i’ve ever seen! haha 🙂

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